Metamorphosis of a Mother

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is for our happiness not to be dependent upon them. Metamorphosis of a mother, M.O.M , is a mother’s support and encouragement blog  focusing on personal growth based on an idea for a book I’ve been talking about writing for 10 years.  The premise is how we, as mothers, need to adjust our parenting for each of our children individually and as they get older.  We need to grow and change as individuals ourselves from girls to women, from mothers of young children to mothers of teenagers and eventually mothers of adult children so that our children will become capable, contributing, competent happy, healthy adults.

I never imagined the post college years would be the hardest of all but have found quite unexpectedly they were the most difficult, heartbreaking, challenging and ultimately the most wonderful and rewarding of all the parenting years. Struggling and failing to achieve the delicate balance of letting go and allowing our children the freedom and God given right to make their own choices and live their life as they choose regardless of how that looks or feels to us or how difficult it would be to watch your kids make mistakes and choices that are in contrast and contradiction to what you taught them and why it is sometimes necessary for them to do that.

Our identities and sense of worth as a person or mother should not come from our children’s accomplishments or failures. We need to separate from them for our sake as well as theirs and purposefully live a fulfilling, satisfying, rewarding, peaceful life of our own where our joy and happiness does not need to come from our children or family but rather from within our spirit and our own passions.

This doesn’t make us love them less but surprisingly more deeply, more compassionately and more respectfully. Living a healthy, happy life of our own is the best example we can show our kids to help them become healthy adults and not burden them with family responsibility but rather allow them to be in loving, caring family relationships by choice and not guilt or responsibility.

The sooner you make having a separate identity and personal happiness outside of your kids a goal in your life & take steps toward that goal the happier and healthier everyone will be.  Your happiness is one of the best gifts you can give your children.  No child should be responsible for their mother’s happiness.

I am not a writer, nor was I ever academic, My writing is often grammatically incorrect.  I apologize in advance for the improper sentence structures and spelling.

I’m the furthest thing from a perfect mom & I’m the biggest dork on the planet, just ask my kids.  I’m average looking, moody and occasionally an emotional wreck.  I am however extremely loving, understanding, compassionate, have a great sense of humor, am super adventurous,  and really fun,  all of which you will come to see if you spend any time with me on this blog.

I decided to write this blog because I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. Being a mom was all I ever wanted since I was five years old.  I played with dolls way longer than any of my friends.  I married at age twenty because I desperately wanted to have kids, this was unfair to all of us who were involved.  I always wanted to be perceived first as a great mom and also as someone who was easy going, fun, lighthearted, worry free, super healthy, strong & athletic with no weaknesses. None of these things are completely true.  I have all the same struggles as most, no more no less.  Some of mine have been made public & seem more severe because I have daughters that are in the public spotlight.  I think when you get to the root of a problem they’re all pretty much the same, we all hurt deeply sometimes and we can all relate to each other.

We MUST live with compassion and understanding.  Intolerance and misunderstanding are the biggest problems of the human race.  What would our world look like if we tried first to understand and then be understood, If we first assumed the best of someone every time & if we forgave someone even if they haven’t asked to be forgiven?

It’s liberating to come clean with yourself and a great service to reach out and share with others for the sake of healing.  To have no more pretenses, it’s only now I’m beginning to see for the first time in my life who I really am without kids.  Not Holly’s mom, Not Heidi’s mom & not Sky’s mom or Tim’s wife… just me Darlene. Honestly I still don’t know but I’m excited to find out!

I was planning on writing the book “Metamorphosis of a Mother” when I had my first grandchild and became a third generation.  What I wasn’t planning on was being a “Hill’s mom” having my children move to LA and become reality TV stars with all the drama and public attention that comes with it.  I have received hundreds of emails, letters & daily phone calls increasingly for the last 2 years. It used to feel like throwing salt into an open wound seemingly always when I was finally able to get my mind off my strained relationship with my daughter.  But recently it’s been mostly mothers reaching out to me because they are going through a similar struggle with one of their children and are desperately seeking a connection or a suggestion. Because I have been through so much and come out so much stronger and happier than I ever thought I could be I decided to reach out to other mom’s by sharing some of my successes, failures, joys and heartaches while enjoying my last year with my precious one and only son, my youngest child still at home.

This is intended to be an honest, funny, insightful, at times heart breaking, hilarious, fun & adventurous mom blog.  I’m excited to bond with moms across the internet to share stories and hopefully be an encouragement to each other.

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About Darlene Egelhoff

I am a 47 year old mother of 3 living the dream on the edge of Paradise in the heart of the Rocky Mountains in Crested Butte, Colorado's Last GREAT ski town. My daughters, Holly & Heidi Montag, are living thier dreams currently in LA, my youngest child Sky Egelhoff just entered his senior year of High School sending me on a frightening journey towards the EMPTY NEST! My passions other than my kids are my husband Tim, Skiing, Mt Biking, backpacking and most things outdoors.
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41 Responses to Metamorphosis of a Mother

  1. Tracey says:

    Thank you so very much for writing this blog. As a MoM of post college children myself..I can appreciate your thoughts and feelings! Thank you for your honesty and most inner feelings. This journey of learning how to be a MoM is forever changing which is something I hadn’t expected. I only know how to love them one way which is through the unconditional love I felt from the moment I first laid eyes on them. Good Luck on your journey!

    • Thanks so much for reading it! And… for taking the tiime to write me, sounds like you are a blessing to all who are fortunate enough to have you in their lives (: God bless, Dar

    • jane says:

      i pray your Daughter will come to relize that she needs her mother. I have been going threw hard times with my middle Daughter. she went threw a bad Divorce with two wonderful kids and it has changed her to no understanding. she moved in with a family. and then she changed even more. she decided we werent good enough for her. she even changed her name to theirs. and now she sayes were not her parents that God gave her new parents. and the man is a preacher and dr . i know he made her dis owned her family. so i pray every day she will come back to our family. my heart breaks every day for my maria. thanks Jane

      • This is my old site, please redirect comment to new site http://darleneegelhoff.com/ Thanks for your interest!!! Darlene

      • Darlene Egelhoff says:

        Thank you!I’m SOOOOO sorry for your pain and loss! I can relate on a very small level. What I have found is that it was necessary for me to mourn and feel the depths of my pain but then to accept the situation and focus on my blessings and those who want my love and to be in relationship with me, I started the food bank in my church a couple years ago, that humbled be greatly and has been a bigger blessing to me than to the recipeints. It forced me to prayer more than ever before and as a result I have come to know God’s love, a love deeper than I could ever recieve form my own kids who were my WHOLE life! My heart breaks every day as well, you have likely been through more than me for a longer period of time.In some crazy way that we may never see, somehow God makes all for good for those who love Him. Thank you for your prayers, you are in mine too, God Bless, XO Darlene

  2. Meghan says:

    I am a 32 year-old mother of a 20 month-old son. I am also an ex-actress/model who lived in LA for a time in my twenties and struggled with an eating disorder for over 8 years. So I relate to you on many levels… I understand your fears for your daughters- LA is a nasty soulless place.
    You write beautifully and I have no doubt that you could make a career of that if you wanted to.
    Best of luck with this transition period and with a reconciliation with your daughter. It is clear that she is a good person and, although she has taken a bit of a detour, life is long and I bet she eventually comes around.

    • Congratulations on your baby, toddler I should say! That lifestyle can be rough for some. Sounds like you’ve figured out how to cope in healthy ways. I will be addressing my struggles with my eating disoreder ans how I mangaged to finally heal and how it continues to haunt me in future posts. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me, I am truly grateful and agree with all that you said. Gave a GREAT day! God Bless (: Dar

  3. Katie Moss says:

    Hi Darlene,

    I’m writing to you from Vancouver Island, BC (Canada). I just wanted to let you know that I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog – you’re certainly a talented writer. The birthday entry you wrote for Heidi really touched me. I’m sure it touched her too – I hope that you one day (soon) get the reconciliation you desire. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts and feelings – what a scary thing to do when people can be so cruel. I guess you’ve had to grow a thick skin by now! Anyhow, I wish you and your family many blessings and much love. Take care 🙂

  4. Jenn says:

    I am 34 year old women who loves your blog!

    Unfortunately your blog brings up some bad memories for me, my mother abandoned me at 13 years old. I was a fan of your daughter’s reality shows and always rooted for Heidi to wake up and see your intentions were from a place of love. It has been a long time since I read something that actually made me tear up, my heart bleeds for you. I wish my mother would want to be in my life the way you want to be in your childrens. I pray for you that all your prayers will be answered. Keep writing, you are my dream mom!

  5. Jenn says:

    I am 24 years old, not 34 hit the wrong number 😉

  6. Natalie says:

    Darlene
    What a great way to express yourself. I am a 45 year old mother of a 22 yr old son & 18 yr old daughter. I feel the same as you. Unfortunately, my children have not turned out the way I had envisioned. I taught them everything ! I ask myself everyday “What happened to learning by example” And even though I continue to live everyday with “doing the right thing”, “helping others”, “making people smile” ect… they don’t get it. I just finished my second bout with breast cancer which was hard enough to go through but they seemed to not care at all. I was so hurt by this that I too starting writing. That was and is my only way to feel. Keep up the good work. Sending hugs your way !!!

    • I’m so sorry for your pain, Having been through this as a young adult with 3 brothers, all rotten at the time all AMAZING now, it is temporary. Twenty year olds dont often care about their parents much. They love us but they’re still narcissitic and self absorbed well towards 30! Hang in there, there is hope (: The important thing is to take the opportunity to let go of them and focus on your self and the healthy relationships that you do have. Focus on the blessings you have every day. Sometimes even thats hard and we need to literally look around and pick 5, it changes our thinking for the better. Purposefully choose Joy. Joy can only come from God. When we reach out to others it takes the focus off of ourselves. Thanks for taking the time to write. You’re in my prayers, God bless. Darlene

  7. Jasmine says:

    Dearest Darlene~
    I never imagined a Kindred Spirit would be found in a Reality Star’s Mom~ But indeed, that is where mine seems to be found~ I am compelled to respond to your blog….you are Beautiful, Amazing and oh so Strong~ Your words resonate with me on a level that few of us Moms can understand~ When your child has been lost, and yet they are still walking this Earth among us….that is a kind of pain few understand~ My Son will be 20 years old in February….in a couple of weeks, it will be 3 years since the worst day of my life occured, and I lost my Son~ Almost 3 years ago, the day my Son left my home, a year and a half since I have heard his voice, and a year and 9 months since I last saw his face~ My Son has completely cut me out of his life~ And it was all my fault, I may not understand entirely how or why, but it must be because I am his Mom~ I am struck by the similarity of our stories at this juncture of our lives, I am struck by the same words and thoughts you have shared here….the same words, the same thoughts I have had in my journey~ I said out loud to God, you told us you would never give us more than we can handle, and I wonder daily if perhaps you have~ Within the first 6 months of my Son leaving, I did not, I could not…sleep for 4 of those long months….literally, no sleep for 4 months….I know you get that~
    So much I am thinking and feeling about you after reading your blog~ I was drawn to your blog, because I know a bit of the story about your daughter Heidi, I know a bit about the story of your loss, of her journey as well~ I am so sorry~ Here is the thing though Darlene….she loves you, and this loss is temporary….I promise~ My closest friends say the same thing to me….it hasn’t been something I have been able to believe~ How do I put into words for you then….I haven’t been able to believe it about my story, until I read yours, and knowing that she will come back to you, makes me wonder if my closest friends are right also, that my Son will come back to me~ All of your goals, all of the Love you have for her and your family….that is what will pull her back to you~
    I feel as if I know you just a little~ This is the most impactful, intense, excruciating kind of pain~ People say well at least he is alive, you know he is alive~ This is a different kind of death~ I hope it is okay to say, I love you….your words and feelings are beautiful and they resonate, that makes you a very special human being & Mom~ I hope we might be friends someday~ I am just a little younger than you are, I live in the Pikes Peak Mountains, my Sister spent 10 years in Crested Butte working at the Wooden Nickel, & going to school….you may even know her or of her~ I am wondering if you are a Water sign, you strike me as a Cancer or perhaps Picses~ I have a marketing business that I manage from home, my partner and I will be expanding in the next few months, and I need someone awesome to help us~ You might be interested perhaps~ You would be at the top of my list if you are~ I have never reached out to a stranger like this online before, as I said earlier, I am compelled for some reason to let you know, You are not alone~ And, I thank you from my heart, for sharing with us~
    My name is Jasmine
    And I am here if you need anything
    Thank you & Blessings

    • I’m so sorry for the pain and struggles you have had and continue to have. The important thing for us to learn is to not need to be in relationship with our kids to be happy. I pray with all my heart that this is temporary and we will reconnect soon. But what I have learned in that my happiness was too connected to all of my kids. I have been forced to my knees more than ever and turned to God for my healing. Only He has the power to heal the deepest hurts. I still hurt greatly at times but less and less. I have learned to focus more on blessings when those painful thoughts come. To put out of my mind what I can not change. To reach out and try to help someone else and take the focus off of myself. Thats when true joy comes. Thank you for your encouragement and support. I’m a Scorpio, Nov. 3rd (: God Bless, darlene

  8. Caroline says:

    I loved reading your stories and recollections. Stay strong, you will look back at this time and appreciate it! It will help you appreciate all the great things you will have in the future. My Dad always says “The darkest hour is before the dawn.”

  9. Jessica says:

    Hey Darlene,

    I just wanted to write to you and tell you that I found your blog to be so selflessly honest and real. I don’t have children and I am only 22, but the descriptions of your them and your husband and the way you describe how you feel about them, is something that I wish I will experience in my life. Makes me wonder if my mom feels the same way you do. I literally felt your pain when you described Holly’s first day of college, I felt as if I had been there as well.

    Darlene, I hope that soon your pain will heal and you will reconcile with your daughter.

    I can’t wait to read more.

    Jessica

  10. Heather says:

    Hi Darlene,
    I just wanted to say that you are an amazing mother. I have just read all of your posts and you are so humble and honest – it is very refreshing. Mostly, YOU ARE A REAL PERSON and I like that you don’t try to hide that – you talk about insecurities and worries just as much as you talk about happiness and laughter.
    I hope everything is going well for you and your family.
    x

    • Everything is GREAT!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write me! I’m so average and humble you have no idea. MUCH more to come! (: I appreciate your encouragement and support! God bless, dar

  11. Just popping in to say ‘good for you!’ for starting this blog. Blogging is not for the faint of heart; if I’ve said that once, I’ve said it a thousand times. It can take a lot out of you, especially when you dig deep and write your heart (speaking from years of gut-wrenching experience myself), but you’ll find that it gives you back far more than you could have ever imagined. There is such restoration and healing in this big little blogosphere, and I’m very excited about that for you.

    I very much looking forward to reading you. You are a delightful read! I’ve long admired your mother’s heart, and your strength, which shines even when you probably don’t think it does.

    Steady on! xo

    • Thanks! I do find it incredibly liberating! It’s like once I expose it, it flys away… for the most part. (: The encouragement and support I recieve from people like you is very healing. Thank you so much for taking the time and consideration to write me, God bless, dar

  12. Sloane Reed says:

    Recently I appeared as a guest on a talk show on Fox News [regarding an article I wrote] and the response was overwhelmingly negative. I was expecting that– and I wasn’t bothered– but it was still a huge wake-up call seeing complete strangers be so cruel based on one article I wrote expressing my personal opinions. Being in the public eye on a recurring basis, especially on a popular network such as MTV, is unfathomable to me. I honestly don’t know if I could handle such fame/notoriety because, like everyone else, I too am a human with feelings. The entire experience caused me to be much less judgmental and also maintain politeness and maturity when disagreeing with somebody’s belief, as opposed bashing their character. Who am I to make assumptions about people I don’t know?

    With all that being said, I’m glad– from one MoM to another– that you created this blog. My son [and only child] turned two in March. Every day is such an adventure with a roller coaster of emotions and experiences! It’s really hard for me to imagine him in elementary school, high school, college, and starting his adult life independent of me. Seeing me happy is the best gift I can give to him. I’ll offer unconditional love, support, and encouragement until the day I die….but I want him to experience his own joys and learn his own lessons, forge his own path. I look forward to seeing the progression of this blog. =)

    • Aw, sorry for the negativity you recieved. We all learn way more from our negative experiences in life and our bad choices than good. I preach love, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. It takes a great effort not to judge even by those of us who make it a priority. I have to turn it over to God daily (: 2 years old, MAGICAL!!! You have that same early awareness that I did and I’ll be writing about, I’m so grateful for that and happy for you. Thank you for your encouragement and support. God bless, dar

  13. Lisa says:

    Dear Darlene.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in this amazing blog. I am going to follow you and hope that everything turns out well. There are so many things I would like to say to you – one is to tell you that you have someone who cares about you here in Denmark. You are an amazing woman and an even more amazing Mom.
    Lisa

  14. Sarah says:

    What a beautifully written blog. You are an amazing lady to write with such grace, and humility. I have a close, if complicated, relationship with my mother and so can relate to much of what you write about. I have also come close to losing that relationship on more than one occasion, and I believe that there is always a way back as mothers and daughters share a bond like no other, even if it takes time and space.
    Keep writing- you have an avid fan already!

  15. Marion says:

    For a second day in a row I so looked forward to reading your beautiful, honest and inspiring blog. Such a treat to have something so wonderful and truly kind and sincere and really genuine . I would think that anyone who is a mother, or who wishes they were a mother would just devour your words with such pleasure….and pain… I wish my mother were still alive as I would love to share this with her…and I am going to tell all my friends to check this out as it really is a special treat. The picture of Tim and Sky in the pot is one of the greatest pictures I have ever seen!
    I feel I know Heidi…and she has always seemed sweet and kind…and she will come back to you…..Please continue on with this blog…menu’s and all ! This is FRESH AIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Aw, I’m so glad! Tommorow will be pretty light, then the next one kinda heavy,. I’m gonna try to mix it up continuing to follow my life in the moment (: Thanks for your GREAT compliments and encouragement! I’m sorry you dont still have your mom, mine has Alheimers, I’ll be sharing about that and my relationship with her as time goes on.Heidi IS SWEET AND KIND! (: she’s just going through life like the rest of us. I have complete confidence in her and total trust in God! Blessings, Darlene

  16. Diane says:

    Okaaay, now I know we are supposed to be on the other blog but I missed this one and oh my gosh! We are sooo on the same page here!!! It is like you are me!!!!
    I just got off work and am unwinding before I go to bed and I just sat here reading this and it took my breath away! To know that someone else “gets”it. Helps so much!!! Your book is going to help so many!!! I could see you doing a talk show! lol! (maybe not lol!!!!) 😉

  17. Lisa says:

    Just want to send my support to you, Darlene. Being in the public eye is such a difficult experience, I am sure. But you have always been true to yourself, and that is something to be very proud of. My heart goes out to you, keep your inner strength, you are beautiful. Someday, your love will bring you back together with your daughter. In the meantime, keep the faith and know your honestly is an inspiration to others. Wishing you the very best always.

  18. Barbara L. Pappa says:

    Dear Darlene,
    I am so sorry for your suffering. I can see that you are in a lot of pain and I feel so deeply for you. You seem like a caring, loving and understanding mother. You should not blame yourself. I am just a stranger, but it doesn’t seem like it’s anything you have done. Sometimes children, even adult children, become influenced and get confused. I believe in my heart that she will eventually come around. You are a good mom and she knows that in her heart of hearts. I wish good things for you and your family.
    Warmest Regards,
    Barbara

  19. Mecca Vaughn says:

    Hi, Darlene,

    I really glad that you have created a blog to make sure that every mothers and families can read and learn more about you. I was very disappointed that Heidi just renew her vows to Spencer again. I feel very sorry for you and your family are going through difficult times. I lost my mother on December 2006 before Christmas, that I still miss her like you miss your daughter as well. She’s very confused and brainwashed by Spencer and sorry that he have disrespecting you, and you know no one does not talk back to their mothers. But guess what, you are the breadwinner of your household, that good. Family need to be together as always. I heard you are writing a book which it help you out and to reach out to many mothers who are dealing a relationships with their own children. Have you spoken to Spencer family lately (you are also in-laws as well to them)! How is Holly doing and what is up too these days, I know she doing the right thing to focus on her career. I will pray for you and your family, you going to make it, God is there for you and your family. I predicted that Heidi will divorce Spencer and come back to you soon, I know that she is thinking (maybe) about you and everyone, so hang in there. God bless you!

  20. Mecca Vaughn says:

    Hi, Darlene,

    It’s me again, I just want you to know that I have faith in you and believe in you to hold you and hang in their that you and family can enjoy life. I promise you that Heidi will come to her beloved family, like you raised her very well. Keep on reaching to her.

  21. Elle says:

    Hi, I am a young girl myself and watched the hills when it all began. I am not a fan of these type of shows really but I watched out of a social interest. When I first saw Heidi I thought to myself- WOW what a STUNNING, good natured, bubbely, classy, intelligent, stylish, young, charismatic girlie girl. Her beauty was unique and fresh. Equally I thought spencer was funny and his love for heidi was so deep. I feel he is missunderstood and his bark is worse than his bight. You can clearly see how in love they are. And how enormous his love is for her. Yes he is a bit excentric but it is not a bad thing.

    I have to turn the focus to lauren Conrad!! I feel Heidi lost herself when she lost her friendship with Lauren and co. Heidi and Spenc where both vitims to lauren Conrad and the show. I feel lauren unfarily shunned and ostrosized Heidi and spencer from the group and something like this at a young age can have an adverse emotionaly and phsychological affect on someone. Yes the rumour spencer spread was a bit bad but look at the way lauren treated heidi and spencer before this. I would’nt blame him for not liking her. Everyone make’s mistakes, they were young and lauren should have let water under the bridge. Heidi reached out and did all the right moral things and Lauren treated her with such unjust cruelty( I want to forgive you and I want to forget you’-her ‘famous quote’). If she did not like spencer THAT IS NOT HEIDI’S problem. Look at Audrina she has been less of a friend than heidi ever was and her boyfriend is simply horrid and she never shunned her??? Heidi and spencer reached out so many times it was heart renching to watch lauren be so dismissive. Even heidi had said the best memories she has are with lauren. Come on lauren ye were all young, time to forgive already.

    I feel it is for this reason and perhaps living in LA that heidi took control by trying to control her appearance because she just lost herself. It is not her or spencer’s fault. they were the victims of this AND I FEEL PRODUCERS OF THE SHOW SHOULD OF SAW THIS COMING AND PULLED LAUREN A SIDE AND ASKED HER TO TALK TO HEIDI WITH A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELLER MYBE. I do not understand why lauren is protrayed as this ‘hereo’ all the time.

    I think you are a wonderful, inspirational women and mother. Perhaps Heidi just needs space( and time out of LA) and she will find herself again and return home. Also I feel it is important to support her marriage to spencer because then is the man she truely loves and she has cut herself off from her family because maybe she feels she does not have the families love and support for her marriaage. So i feel she feels she has to fight against everyone including her family. Spencer needs love and support to and forgiveness,

    Kepp strong and positive, focus on you and Heidi ‘in her own time’ will find herself again. I wish you and your family the best.

  22. Katey says:

    Thanks for ignoring the 3 or 4 emails I sent you over a period of a few months of reading your blog. Nice emails too, I might add. You suck Darlene.

    • darleneegelhoff says:

      What a terrible feeling to be ignored! I’m so sorry, this is the first email I’ve seen from you. I havent been able to blog because of increased work, (praise God for the work but sad to lose contact with my readers), and turned off all comments because I couldn’t keep up with them. It looks like your comment came from my old site? If you like to resend I’d be happy to read them.Hope you have a GREAT day! God Bless PS I do suck sometimes, I’m only human (:

  23. Darlane Freitas says:

    Hi, sou do BRAZIL temos algo em comum começando pelo nome Darlane e Darlene que tem o mesmo significado quem dizer A QUERIDINHA!!!!!
    me enteressei pela sua historia tenho muito o que te dizer ,mais nao sei falar ingles.
    bjoo kiss Good>>>> Deus te abençoe.

  24. Your honesty and depth are lovely. Thank you for scratching below the surface. 🙂

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